Birth - 2 Years

Understanding

• No understanding of what death or
  dying is or what divorce means.
• Separation fears.
• Searching for the person they have lost.

2 Years - 5 Years

Understanding

• Difficulty in understanding the permanency of death or a divorce.
• They have magical thinking, believing that they have the ability or power to cause the death or divorce.
• If they believe that they caused the divorce or death, then they often think that they can fix the death or divorce.
• They can believe that their loss is a
  punishment for something they did wrong.
• Afraid to go to sleep, thinking that
  they may die or someone may leave them in
  their sleep.
• May believe that dead people “live” in the ground or “live” in heaven and that they should be able to go visit them there.                
  

6 Years - 11 Years

Understanding

• The reality of a death or divorce is difficult
  for them to believe that this is happening to them,but they realize that it is possible.
• They have concerns about how someone
  died & the physical aspects of the death.
  Wanting some details of what happens to their loved one at the funeral home.
• Desire to understand about judges, and what
  court procedures & terminology means when their parents are divorcing.
• Concerns about what will happen to them if
  their living caregiver should die.
• Believe that they caused the death or divorce.
• Believe that they can fix things concerning the death or divorce. 
  

12 Years - 19 Years

Understanding

• They usually have the ability to understand a death or divorce loss cognitively like adults.
• They may have feelings that they need to take on the responsibility of the person that has died or left them.
• Strong need to understand death & afterlife; question God’s existence.
• They tend to believe that their parents divorce has destroyed their lives forever.
  

Helpful Responses

• Keep their routines as close to the same as it was before the death or divorce.
• They need a lot of physical holding & comfort from someone that loves them.
• Caregivers need patience when they are expressing their grief reactions.

Helpful Responses

• All of the above responses
• Explain death or divorce in simple terms, always being honest when explaining.
• Use the words “death” & “died” instead of the words “gone to sleep”, “gone away”,”passed away” or “lost”
• Answer their repetitive questions concerning the loss, they need to hear the answers over & over.
• If they are having nightmares, they maybe expressing some of their fears in their dreams when unable to express them when they are awake. So holding them gives them a sense of safety.
  

Helpful Responses

• All of the above responses from 2-5 years,
• Explain death or divorce in relationship to the questions concerning their loss. Giving honest explanations.
• It is important for them to attend the funeral or memorial services in a death loss. They need to experience this with the whole family. (if the child doesn't want to attend, explore any fears concerning the services & if still don't want to attend, abide by their wishes.)
• Listen to the things they are saying, giving them permission to express their feelings.
• Be aware that their grief responses may not make any sense to you or them.
• Keep your expectations for their school grades realistic, realizing they are grieving.
• They need meaningful ways to remember & memorialize when someone dies.
  
  

Helpful Responses

• All the helpful responses from previous age groups.
• Give them permission to still be their age, that you don’t expect them to take on adult responsibilities.
• Any self-destructive behavior that may arise, address it immediately, don’t avoid it, hoping that it will go away. (get professional help)
• Listen to what they are saying, when they decide to talk with you. Even if their timing is not good for you.
• Avoid any power struggles that could occur.
• If they don’t want to talk to you, find someone who is trustworthy for them to talk with. (grandparents, a pastor, counselor, etc.)